“HEY! The moment I praise you, you go and do what I said you don’t do!” Hahaha … that made me laugh.

I went home smiling. :)

On the work front … oh, where do I begin!

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help comparing my experience in Burma with that in Singapore. I mean, I had a NEAR perfect experience there, and what I get here is … :( It’s getting increasingly difficult to walk into class and I actually drag my feet these days. If it’s any indication of *anything*, my colleague who is the nicest, the most easy-going and has spent the longest time in this school is leaving. Sigh.

So today, I took half the day off because seriously, body and mind weren’t cooperating anymore and I just couldn’t go on. I rest, so that I can be better prepared for battle on Monday hahaha.

I’ll persevere on. 9 more weeks. :)

Nothing like work politics to turn you off work. And my current class has made me realise how much I miss and love my previous class, which I whined about for 10 weeks because the class before that was so much better. Haha. Eh, but I whine for a reason. Class 2 was bad because there wasn’t a good mix of gender and nationality. But Class 3 (current class) continues the trend of lousy gender/nationality mix, and then some more.

I’ve never really liked being with Westerners, more because I feel the differences very keenly and am quite afraid of them. But so far in my life, I’ve yet to meet a Westerner that I really dislike. In fact, there is quite a handful that I love, like my American host family (all 5 of them), my angmoh (American, Swiss and German) colleagues in Burma, and my current colleagues (Australian, American and New Zealander). Even the Englishman I met at the other school was so genial and fatherly towards me. :) But yesterday I met a Westerner that nearly made me blow my top.

He laughed at my pronunciation.

My pride is hurt, yes, and as far as I know I didn’t pronounce it wrongly. Is it because I’m not blonde, like you are, and don’t have blue eyes, like you are? Is it because I’m Asian, and yet am still your teacher? Is it because your Western superiority complex doesn’t allow you to accept a dark-haired, dark-eyed non-Westerner teacher? Whatever it is, his laughter made me very angry inside. I didn’t show it, but man, was I boiling mad.

That was the first time I felt discriminated against for my skin colour and ethnicity. And it doesn’t feel good.

Yes, I don’t speak with an American or British accent. A couple of students even think I speak with a Singlish accent. I personally feel I speak unaccented English - so many students (my class and others) have asked me where I am from and if I’ve studied overseas, because they think I’m not Singaporean enough. I don’t roll my tongue and pronounce my r’s like the Americans do, and neither do I speak with the crispness that most British do. But does that mean I’m not good enough for you, my dear students? Must I feign a foreign accent just to be accepted?

No. That won’t be enough. I need to be a Caucasian to be accepted by them.
Which is impossible.
And even if such a thing is possible … no. No No No No NO.

I’ve always known that this industry is skin-deep, and that I can do nothing to fight against it. Got my fair share of it with my Asian students, and now this. I have 10 @#$%^&* weeks with them and I have NO IDEA how to endure the condescension.

In my previous class, I focused on the good students to take my mind off those who were plain unmotivated. In this class, the sheer number of students (almost double my former class) makes it nearly impossible for me to give adequate individual attention. Language classes shouldn’t be this big. And guess what! I can expect to receive ANOTHER 2 Westerner students tomorrow.

-takes deep breath-

This is good training for me. I should show a positive attitude. BUT IT IS SO DIFFICULT.

What happened in the past week: I finished 4 full days of teaching in a new school. It was a very positive experience, and both teachers and HOD asked me to return in the future if I can. ^^ I’ll definitely consider going back. :)

Also took my 6th driving lesson which was quite bad. :( Sigh. And I thought I was getting it liao, after a great 3rd, 4th and even 5th lesson. The first 1.5 hours were almost perfect - I was driving mostly by myself (and remembering to switch to gear 1 after stopping!), my engine stalled ZERO times on the road (HALLELUJAH!) and I finally kinda get the clutch thingy. Then we entered the circuit, and I had almost no difficulties with the crank course and directional change.

THEN THE TROUBLE STARTED.

No excuses here. I’m not a great driver and honestly, it doesn’t come to me naturally. But I guess I was feeling really tired that day, after waking up super early for a week to teach, and I just couldn’t focus after an hour. Parallel parking was irritating, but it was at the slope that I completely lost it.

My instructor, who is probably the most patient instructor ever, lost it too. He scolded me. :(

So we stayed on the slope for like 5 seconds which felt like eternity. I felt sooooo bad and sooooo upset with myself. We both kept really quiet, and after a while he said, in a less harsh tone, “Are you very tired? You’re very blur today. And I know why you’re driving so badly now, coz you’re afraid of the car in front right? Don’t worry … I’ll help you.”

That was nice of him. :) And yes, I was tired. People who know me know I have a fear of heights but I had no idea till now that this phobia translated to lousy driving on slopes, especially when going down one. And yes, I really was terrified of banging into the car in front of me.

Sigh.

Must work harder!

***

My physical fatigue is reaching saturation point soon.

An hour ago, I spent like 1.5 hours checking out hotels and how to get around Japan by train. It was stressful and therapeutic in a way … haha. I feel like I’ve already been to Japan after the planning! :)

Trying to keep costs below $2K but it’s abit hard. Hopefully I really get to go but honestly … I’m so tired of even planning, I just want to sleep and throw my phone outta the window.

That was 3 months ago.

Just yesterday, I found myself in the same situation. I was sitting outside the classroom and watching the same kids behaving in the same rowdy manner. Exactly the same. And then to my surprise, what I thought was …

“So cute!!!” -heart melts-

haha.

***

Tomorrow, my 4-day stint at the new place starts. I’m a little worried but otherwise feeling okay. I hope the students will be merciful to me … LOL.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m already 27. Not 17 anymore, not even 20 anymore. My time is running out.

I suppose part of that unease stems from the fact that I still have zero plans for the future. Haha. Zero concrete plans. Very vaguely speaking I suppose I’d find myself still working here in SG in the near future. I just hope I won’t be doing this for too long … getting too comfortable here is easier than I’d expected.

***

I’m the miserly sort who can’t bear to part with her money for a trip.

You know, I really love travelling, more for the fact that I get to see a new country, learn about a new culture/language etc. But travelling is so darn expensive that I often think twice, thrice before making a decision. And according to my friends, I always say and never do, which is very true. Haha.

Ok, this is my take on travelling:

1. Firstly, if I’m going to another country I want to take my own sweet time to savour what’s in it. Package tours and rushed itineraries are not for me. Backpacking and working holidays are more my cup of tea, but to do either of these I need time to plan and money. Both of which I don’t have now.

2. Secondly, if I’m going to spend so much money travelling to another country, I’d jolly well make the most of it. That means I’m not going to spontaneously jump into a trip just because. Why do I hem and haw about Redang? Because I’ve been there before. Because it’s so not worth it to pay through my nose again (even though I really love the place). Because honestly, there isn’t much there to do other than slack (which is also what I need hahaha).

3. And lastly, and this I deem the most important reason: the money that I spend on a trip, for MY OWN ENJOYMENT AND PLEASURE can be better used for other purposes. I just can’t do it. Maybe I have a weak conscience, but I can’t do it. I can’t spend hundreds and thousands just to enjoy myself. A friend offered to pay for my holiday, but that’s not the point. I hardly think my pleasure is worth so much.

So that’s it. But I think miser me really needs to stop thinking like that because as long as I remain here, I have no holidays! I really, really NEED to get away for a while.

Then I woke up.

Last night’s very enjoyable dinner and shopping with 2 good friends, plus my dad’s very bad bout of flu could well be the “inspiration” behind this dream. It’s a good reminder, actually. I should be thankful for it.

I wish someone had told me this earlier in life. But then again, I wouldn’t have had the courage or conviction to act on it. I’m glad that whatever I’ve experienced in life has only served to make me even surer of what I want to do in this lifetime.

A week ago or so, I took the same bus as my neighbour who stays a few floors above me. He asked me about my current job and then all of a sudden, he said:

“My company is likely to clinch a major contract and we’re expanding.”

I stared at him. What was he driving at?

He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face, because he quickly continued with, “I mean, you should apply for the new jobs in my company.”

I was incredulous, seriously. I answered, “Erh … are those admin jobs?”

“Yes.”

“Uncle, you know I used to work in [a hospital] doing admin work and I hated it. It just isn’t my type of job. I find no satisfaction pulling hours in a job that I don’t enjoy at all.”

He gave me a withering look. “You know, dreams are dreams. You can’t live on them. Dreams can’t feed you. You’re young, and so you have a lot of dreams. But at the end of the day you have to be practical. You have to feed yourself. Besides, this job (the one at his company) will pay you more than your current one.”

I couldn’t resist. “How much?”

He named an amount. I chuckled inside. I’m earning more than that, and he has no idea.

Money aside, there’s no way I’m acting on his advice. IMO, it’s rubbish. Total, complete, utter rubbish. I’m snorting as I type this. I didn’t have the chance back then to tell him what I feel, but this is what I think:

I’d lived a large part of my life doing exactly what he prescribed: practical and pragmatic living. I’d previously lived for others (my family, primarily) and made decisions to please them, while I slowly died inside. My last job at the hospital was the pinnacle of my crazy other-centred life: I tolerated daily abuse from my ex-boss JUST SO THAT I could continue to earn a living TO PAY FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S DEBTS. My self-esteem took such a severe beating for 2 years that for a long time after I’d left I still doubted my own worth. I couldn’t accept compliments from people, for I’d really started to believe 2 things: that as a person, I was worthless. And second, I lived for not myself, but for the happiness of others.

People tell me, my worth is in Christ alone. I knew that, and I really believed in it too. But the world has a way of wearing even the hardiest down. Try being looked down upon, having your self-esteem mercilessly trampled on for 2 years, almost daily, and tell me if it’s easy to go to work every day with your head held high.

It was only after I left that I truly realised the importance of doing what I, yes, I, really love. Not what my parents love. Not what my friends love. Not what the world loves. But what I, through what God has given me in terms of personality, inclination and talent, love.

And while I enjoy the sciences, I don’t want to do it for a living. Because I have a greater love.

Languages. Culture. Folklore. Mythology. Fairy tales. Ethnic costumes. Literature. Traditional music.
My greatest love are the natural languages.

Therefore, even though I have no job security in my current line of work, even though I might possibly be sidelined all my life due to my ethnicity, I shall have no regrets. I love English, I love teaching English, I love passing on my love for English to others. I want to spend the rest of my life doing something language-related, be it teaching, research, or even learning. Even if it makes me a pauper, even if it means socially I’m never going to climb as high as my high-flyer JC classmates/peers are doing, even if it means people are forever going to judge me on my choice/salary, I hope I shall never lose the courage and conviction I have now.

So Uncle … thanks, but really, no thanks. I only hope you don’t force your thinking on your own children. They’ll only grow up to become bitter, angry and depressed individuals. I should know. I’ve been there before.

I wasn’t quite prepared when the HOD took out a piece of paper and said, “Here are some learner mistakes. Can you please correct the errors, explain grammatically why they are wrong, and explain how you would teach these grammar points?” It was C*LTA all over again, except I had to do it on the spot with him looking at me doing it. O_O STRESSED. Plus my brain was super tired … I took a while to think how to construct my sentences LOL.

So there was one sentence with the subject repeated, an extra comma inserted for no reason or rhyme. That was easy. Then it got progressively harder. I remember struggling with the explanation for “for” instead of “during”, and trying to remember if it’s the first or second conditional. O_O The rest were quite difficult, but somehow I managed to squeeze something out.

Then the HOD took a look and he went, “Hmm … *reads* … Hmm … good, very good … *reads*”

We did discuss a little about “going to” as a future intention. From what I’d learnt in C*LTA, “going” and “coming” are preferred to “going to go” and “going to come”, but in school, I have to teach “going to go”. And during the test (”during” comes before a noun phrase! Shall remember that for life), I put what I’d learnt in C*LTA … but his opinion is that we should use “going to go”. Ok, I’m fine with that. In the end he said, “This is good … better than most people.” That made me smile. :)

And then he asked, “Do you like to analyse language?”

I nodded my head.

“It’s very evident here,” he said, pointing to the piece of paper. LOL. Oops. My cover, so carefully put together, has been blown! He now knows I’m a nerd.

The interview went ok from there. Actually I didn’t apply for this job … it was my C*LTA school that sent my resume there and the HOD called me down. I thought I shouldn’t close this door by rejecting it too, so I went down, but not before I’d told him I already hold a teaching job. But the environment looks good. It’s very professional and writing is highly emphasized (my face went blank when he asked me about academic writing … sheesh), so I guess the level of stress would be much higher here. I’m not sure how it would all play out, but we’ll see.

This comes just in time, I guess … in a way. Something bad happened in school on Friday and I considered for a moment leaving. We’ll see we’ll see.

:(

And my mum accidentally stepped on my retainers and broke them. Oh well. About time I get them replaced too.